


I wish I could tell you

by booksarefriends



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Dead Peter Parker, Dead Tony Stark, Happy Hogan is a Good Bro, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt Tony Stark, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Uncle Happy Hogan, everyone is crying, its a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:42:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23855566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksarefriends/pseuds/booksarefriends
Summary: Tony Stark had to deal with a lot of death and loss already. But this time? This time it was diffrent. This time it felt, as if it was all his fault.Peter Parker had lost every father-figure in his life already. Why would Tony Stark be different? But why did it feel so much more personal and painful than before?
Relationships: Happy Hogan & Peter Parker, Happy Hogan & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Happy Hogan & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	1. “He is dead and it’s my fault.”

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ever_Whovian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ever_Whovian/gifts).



> Really Sorry Ever, but you know I can only write abot people in pain. Deal withh it :)

* * *

If a voicemail could wear out, these would have worn out a long time ago. Barely a week passes where he didn’t listen to them. And there isn’t a day where he doesn’t think of him.

He is torturing himself. Peter is gone, and he will never come back. Peter - the high school kid who will never graduate because of him. Peter, Spiderman, will never again come over and annoy him with random stuff. They both knew he secretly loved those times.

It’s all his fault.

Slowly his hand touches the stone where they carved in his name.

 _Peter Parker_.

Right next to him stood May’s name. Tony was sure, that if she was here she would yell at him, that he promised to keep Peter save, that he should have looked after him, that he should have _saved_ him.  
That it’s all his fault.  
The wall of the vanished went on and on as far as he could see, and it was as if he was carrying the stones on his shoulders. They were all dead because he failed. And having to see Peters name between the vanished killed him every time.

He should be dead too.

His legs gave out beneath him. His knees collided with the grass below him and he couldn’t breathe.

“ _Hey Mr. Stark, I helped a nice old Lady cross the street today - and she gave me churro! It’s very delicious.... If something comes up and you need my help, just... you know... call me._ ”

He should have called. He should have told him he was proud of him, and that what he did was good for all the right reasons. He wanted to tell him all of that. But he couldn’t.  
Inside of him it felt as if he was being ripped apart – like something was burning through his chest. He had to stop this. But he couldn’t. Just like he couldn’t do anything when Peter started crumbling in his arms – leaving back nothing but dust and pain and loneliness. Just like he could’t tell him how good he was, how much he changed his life.

_“Hey Mr. Stark.. it’s been a while you know. Queens has become really quiet. I stopped someone stealing a bike. Couldn’t find the right owner tho. If you got something I should do for you, just call me. Honestly anything would be fine. Well you know not washing the dishes please – I really hate that. Or cleaning in general. So not **anything** anything. But… anything fun. I better hang up now. Bye.”_

Tony’s head lightly collided with the stone and it was cold – so, so cold against his hot forehead. His fingers were turning white from grabbing and tugging at his own jacket even harder and more frantically. And then he screamed.  
It was good – relieving of some kind. It felt so good, that he didn’t realise that his voice was turning hoarse and raucous. Not like it was normally. Finally his lungs collapsed; the panic attack was there. And this time he really couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t manage to breathe for all that matters either. He fell.

Everything inside him twisted.  
It had to _stop_.

_“Mr. Stark, please don’t be mad. I really didn’t mean to do this. I mean, do you even listen to these messages? Like, You are a Gazillonaire or something and I’m just an annoying 15 year old kid. But anyways please don’t be mad I kind of broke the suit. Totally not my fault tho, I just tried to stop someone from kniving someone else. Well you get the situation. Anyways turns out the suit is not always protecting me from knives. Sorry. Totally just have a scratch and am totally fine. Not like the knive guy hanging upside down in the ally. Sure, hope the police came by now… Well anyways. Sorry. Can you repair the scratch?”_

But Tony wasn’t in control anymore, his muscles didn’t react to the things he told them to do. He could feel the pain, racing through his body like a wave drowning out everything else out. He couldn’t think – he still couldn’t _breathe_ either.  
“Tony”, the voice sounded so far away. But steady and calm. Tony couldn’t place it; it was as if someone stuffed his ears.

Two arms wrapped themselves around Tony’s chest.  
“Breathe in.”  
It still felt as if he was breathing fire. He couldn’t.  
“Come on, draw a breath.”  
There was blood pounding in his ears. There was so much resistance in his body – it was as if his body _didn’t want_ to breath.  
Finally, he could stop screaming.  
“Count to seven and breath out.”  
One…he had to manage to breathe…Two…It has to stop…. three…it _hurts…_ four…Peter wouldn’t want this…. five…. breathe….six … For Peter…. Seven.  
Tony exhaled.

_“Good Moring Mr. Stark, isn’t it a beautiful day? I got a churro again, so my day is quite good. A little boring to be completely honest but at least I could help… So this is it for this day already. You know… well no whatever. It doesn’t matter. Bye. See ya. Well if you call me and stuff. Bye.”_

“Again.”

And he did. He started to breathe again. It was hard, he was shaking and he sure as hell couldn’t tell why he was listening to the voice. But everything inside of him stopped racing. His pulse slowed down to normal – he wasn’t feeling like drowning anymore. Tony never thought counting could be so exhausting.  
He felt a hand trying to release his fingers out of his jacket, but he couldn’t. Tony couldn’t let go. His jacket was everything that was giving him strength, it was a part of him. But the other hand didn’t stop – Tony could feel the nails digging into his skin.

“Relax.”

His right index finger slowly let go. It hurts – oh it really hurts. His hand was shaking, and he was in so much pain. He couldn’t let go– it was just not possible. His hand had turned to stone. And it felt as if he would let Peter go.  
“If you let go, you won’t fall. Trust me.”  
Tony wanted to say something, but his throat, it burned. He was crying - Tony realised, when he tried to open his eyes, and everything was blurry. He was so embarrassed to be this _weak_.

“I promise.”

And suddenly it was easy to let go. He slumped back, but the arms around him caught him and held him steady.  
They were sitting on the floor, Tony wasn’t aware of that until now. How did they get on the floor?  
“Tony”, the voice was soft. He knew it was Happy behind him, holding him.  
“It hurts”, Tony started crying again. Not only because his throat burned from screaming on top of his lungs for what felt like eternity, but also because he was broken inside.

They were quiet for a long time. And Happy didn’t let go of Tony.

“I should have called him more often”, Tony said quietly. “I should have told him how proud he made me. I should have been there for him – I should have told him how much he means to me.”

Tony wanted to tell him that he misses him.  
He wanted to tell him, that he can’t breathe, can’t think.  
He wanted to tell him, that he regrets not being able to do more for him.  
He wanted to tell him, that he wanted to save him.  
That he wished he was here with him.  
He wanted to tell him, that he wished he could forget the pictures of him crumbling to dust.  
He wanted to tell him, that he can’t. That he’s sorry.  
He wanted to tell him, that this feels like dying.

But he couldn’t. And that was the worst part of it all.

“It’s gonna be alright, Tony.”

But they both knew he was lying.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> three times Peter Parker was not okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooops i did it again

* * *

“Peter?”

MJ slowly opened the door. Or at least she tried to, but something was blocking it from fully opening. MJ still managed to squeeze through.

It was dark inside the room. Peter hadn’t even opened the blinds. The room was a mess, she realised when her eyes adapted. Not the normal kind of mess, where there are schoolbooks and clothes scattered on the floor and the bed isn’t made. It’s the kind of mess where the bed is destroyed, his desk broken down in the middle and his clothes ripped to shreds. And in the middle of it all: Peter.

Peter wasn’t even aware of his surroundings he was just lying there. He wasn’t doing anything else except existing. And sometimes even that could be too much. He was just so... empty.

“Leave me alone MJ.”

Peter was exhausted. And empty. He felt so misunderstood and alone and he just wanted to feel things again. He knew he should feel. But it was just empty inside him. His chest felt hollowed out.

He should be angry.  
He should be sad.  
He should be anything except empty.

MJ didn’t say anything. She didn’t leave either.

All she did was slowly and carefully walk closer to him. She had to kick a few pieces to the side to do that. With some she couldn’t even tell what they were in the beginning.  
Finally she reached him and managed to clean up quite a bit room on the floor so she could lay down next to him. She wasn’t close to him or all up in his personal space. She wasn’t even touching him.

Peter still couldn’t feel things. He should be mad that she didn’t listen to him. He should be mad, that she was still here. But he couldn’t even bring himself to even react.

They stayed still for a long time. Just breathing and staring at the ceiling. MJ also stayed still when she realised that he was silently sobbing. All she did was place her hand in between them. He could take it if he wanted to. their fingers were barely inches apart.  
Peter suddenly felt like drowning. The emptiness was suffocating him. And he couldn’t breath. He was crying, he realised between two sobs. He was crying and didn’t even feel it. He wasn’t sad. He wasn’t mad. He was just empty. Why was he crying? His eyes were burning too.

Then his fingers touched MJ’s. They intertwined. And for a moment, just a little moment, it was okay not to feel things.

“I just don’t know how to live in a world without him.”

“That’s okay Peter.”, they were silent for a while until MJ continued, “You do know, that you’ll never be without him right? That he’s going to stay with you forever, because you loved him and he loved you. It may not seem possible right now, but you will be okay without him. Before you know it, he’ll no longer be the first or the last thing that goes through your mind every single day. You’ll be OK without him. You’ll hear his name and your heart won’t break. You’ll stop looking for him. You won’t think he is calling you every time your phone rings and you’ll stop expecting his text. One of these days, you’ll accept the fact that he’s gone and that he isn’t coming back. You’ll stop waiting for him.  
But this day is not today. And it won’t be tomorrow. It may not even be next year. but Peter you have to try to live again. Tony wouldn’t want this.”

Peter knew that Tony wouldn’t want this, he knew it and still it helped to hear someone else saying it.  
It just didn’t make things easier. He was still empty inside, and he still missed him.

He just didn’t know how to be Spiderman anymore, let alone Peter Parker.

* * *

Peter hadn’t touched the suit in month. How could he? It was painful to even look at it, to be reminded, that Tony made this, that he touched it and cared enough about him to want to protect him.

It wasn’t fair that he died.  
He wasn’t _supposed_ to sacrifice himself.

It was all his fault.

The worst part of it all was that he couldn’t even properly mourn him. He couldn’t cry out in public when they talked about the great sacrifice of Tony Stark and the Avengers in school. He couldn’t break down and scream at everyone to shut up when they whispered in the halls about Iron Man.

Ned knew he wasn’t feeling good. That he wasn’t okay. But how could he be okay?

He also couldn’t pick up Peppers calls.  
_“He did it for you Peter.”  
_Pepper told him after the funeral as if it would make everything better. As if that wouldn’t make him feel worse, how could he be okay when Tony Stark sacrificed himself so he could live?

He was Spiderman after all. People were supposed to **_stop_** dying around him. What did his useless powers do him good at all? His parents died, his Uncle died and he had to watch Tony Stark pass away slowly and painfully and act as if it wasn’t that bad at all.

“He Parker, you look tired. Are you sure you are okay?”

He met MJ’s worried eyes. Normally she probably wouldn’t care or throw in a random looser when she talked to him. Or before the whole mess she would sprinkle in a suspicious amount of spider jokes. The fact that she didn’t must mean he looked bad. Like really bad.

The fact that he hasn’t slept in like a week or something (it were 8 days and 6h but who’s counting anyways?) was probably not really helping his case.

“I’m okay no worries.”

Maybe if he said it out loud enough, it would become true.

* * *

Sometimes Peter stared at his own name on the tall stone monument. Wall of the Vanished. It was so little he could barely make it out. So many people stood beside him. Carved into stone forever.

They debated about getting rid of the stones after everyone returned.

Peter was glad they didn’t.

Instead they placed another statue in the middle of the stones to honour Tony Starks great sacrifice. Even if it pained Peter to look at it he liked the idea that this time they decided to honour Tony stark. Not Iron Man. Just Tony. Which made it so much more difficult to bear it’s presence.  
He was glad, that in order to see his name he didn’t have to look at Tony’s face at the same time since the statue was actually facing his name. He could sit on a bench and ignore it’s presence all together.

Weirdly most people seemed to avoid the monument. Most of the times he was alone with all those names. He didn’t mind that nobody could see him crying.

He also didn’t mind the people that _did see him crying._ Most of the time they were crying as well.

Peter didn’t know how long he sat there till somebody sat down next to him.

They didn’t talk for a while.  
“How did you find me here?”, Peter managed to squeeze out. He hoped his voice wasn’t trembling too much.  
“He came here a lot”, Happy finally said. Peter didn’t look up. If he did Happy would see the tears in his eyes and the pain they were carrying.

It _hurts_.

They were quiet for a moment, until Happy sighed and looked at him sternly.  
“Are you okay kiddo?”

Peter was dumbfounded for a moment. How could he be okay? How could Happy think he would ever be okay again?

“I’m fine”, was all Peter managed to squeeze out. Maybe if he said it out loud enough times, it would become true.

“Oh. Because you know... I’m not.”

Peter didn’t know what to say. I mean he knew that Happy was probably suffering. That he must be in at least as much pain as himself. But he didn’t expect him to be so _honest_ with him.  
“It’s gonna hurt for a long long time”, Happy continued, chuckling a bit, “I don’t think there is gonna be a time where it won’t hurt anymore. Maybe one day you get used to the pain. But right now? Fuck I can’t stop thinking about him and it hurts every time I do.”

Happy kept rambling and Peter kept staring on his own name trying so hard not to cry. Not to break down. He had to be strong, _right_?

When Happy stopped talking and Peter finally looked at Happy he saw that the man had cried the entire time he was talking.

“I don’t think I’m gonna be fine for a while either”, Peter admitted.

“That’s okay. We can be not-fine together.”; Happy had kept his distance until now, but now he reached out and gently placed his big hand on Peter’s shoulder. And somehow that took a bit of the pain away. “Do you want to get something to eat? A Cheeseburger?”

Peter didn’t even know when he last ate, was it Monday? What day was it today? Wednesday? Thursday? He really couldn’t tell.

"That would be a good idea.. I think", ha finally managed to say.

Maybe if he would keep talking he could forget the memory of Tony Heartbeat getting weaker and more quiet while everything inside Peter wanted to scream and scream and scream. He had never hated being Spiderman more.

He just _couldn't forget_.

Maybe if he wouldn’t have been bitten. Maybe if he wouldn’t have been blipped. Maybe, just maybe he would be okay right now.

He had so much left to say.

He wanted to tell him that he misses him.  
He wanted to tell him that he can’t sleep, can’t breath, can’t think.  
He wanted to tell him that he regrets not being able to do more.  
He wanted to tell him that he wanted to save him.  
That he needed him.  
He wanted to tell him that he wished he was here with them.  
He wanted to tell him that he wanted to forget the look on his face.  
Tell him that he never could.  
He wanted to tell him that it feels like dying.  
That he couldn’t breath.  
That he was sorry.

But he couldn’t tell him anything at all.


End file.
